Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Complicated Feelings and Emotions

I don’t even know how to process what I am feeling sometimes and writing on this blog is helpful so please bear with me.  I thought about posting it on the private Burundi adoption blog but it really fits here and I think there will be others that probably identify with what I am saying. I do ask that if you decided to leave a comment please be kind and respectful to everyone.

I know that other people have their stories and I know they have the right to share those stories but sometimes when I read or hear about other people’s stories I really feel left out or lost. I thought I had processed my feelings about not giving birth to children and I thought I was OK with that but I have moments when I don’t feel OK. I have moments when I know I am not past it. I have moments when I angry and envious and sad. I don’t like those moments and I want to be bigger than that, I want to be past it and I work on that daily. I even have moments where I swear I will never read another mommy blog or participate in a “mommy” conversation again but I always do. I don’t regret my decision to stop infertility treatments and start the adoption process but I do wonder what if. What if we had traveled to a clinic in Seattle instead of an agency? What if I had gotten pregnant 10 years ago shortly after we started trying? Where would we be now and would I be one of the people that thought child birth was a rite of passage every woman must endure to be a woman?


I have very strong feelings that giving birth is not what makes you a mother and I have no concerns about being a mother to a child that was not born to me. However, I know there are people in the world and even perhaps a few friends and family that feel, birth is a very important part about being a mother. I am not going to change the minds of these people and I do not want to diminish their experiences but why I am put under a microscope and examined, yet thought to be less of a person or a parent or a woman because I have made the decision not to give birth. And yes I made the decision adoption is not the consequence of infertility it is a personal decision that we did not make lightly. Yes, it did come after infertility in our situation, but we chose not to pursue fertility treatment and we made the decision not to keep living our lives as a childless couple.

I won’t even go into defending our decision to adopt internationally, that we have to do on a constant basis. OK, I will just a little, does anyone ever question a stranger’s decision to give birth to a child? I guess I don’t know maybe it happens but I know I would never have the nerve to ask someone, so did you research and examine your life before choosing to have a child or was it just one too many glasses of wine one evening? I know this is just going to get worse after having our child home and I feel I am prepared for now. Perhaps over prepared at times and very under prepared at times.

When we were trying to get pregnant I read every book I could get my hands on about pregnancy, fertility and childbirth. I watched every television program I could find on the subject. I know way too much about the subject to have never been pregnant. But do you think that matters, nope, if you have not experienced it, your knowledge means nothing, especially to someone who has experienced it firsthand. I understand that but it still does not seem fair and at times cruel. When we started thinking of and considering adoption, I switched, I started reading everything I could get my hands on about adoption, personal stories, how to books, attachment books, I researched online, and watched An Adoption Story instead of A Baby Story. I don’t read much of that anymore, I guess I am just worn out by learning about something that I may never get to experience. I use the word frustrated a lot but it really only scratches the surface of my feelings about my journey to motherhood. As much as I try to write and express my feelings it will never come close to the intricate bundle that is my emotions in this situation.

We have always wanted a big family; I never thought it would be so hard or take so long to even get started. There are days when I want to give up there are days that I really wished things had happened “naturally” but there are also days that I am happy that we have gone through what we have. We would not be the people we are if we had not had these opportunities. I know it is complicated, life is complicated and if you don’t think so I have to question if you are living it.


8 comments:

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

BEAUTIFUL post..
I am not sure where to start..
Birthing a child does not in any means make you a Mother.. I can honestly say that my children were not planned but I made the most and that is one thing about being a Mother.. be the best you can be and give it your all no matter what...
Your children are not coming as planned and at the time you wanted but they will be here in due time.. there is a reason for everything in life .. not sure sometimes why we are put in situations when we are but it all comes out in the end for a reason..
You and Jim will be WONDERFUL parents.. and your time is coming..
I love you and am beside you in any situation and any decision you make..
and you are so right when you say that you are not living if your life has not been twists and turns...
LOVE YA...

Kel said...

That felt like reading a post I will be writing in a year or so time... when we have made our decision.. when we are allowed to start the process.

I think everything you said is completely natural to feel.

Only been reading your blog for a while Cora, but I can feel your heart.

It will happen, and you know what, anyone who doesnt feel like you are a real mum will only have to look into your eyes and those of your child to know the truth....xxxxxx

Amy said...

Oh Cora, I am so sorry this has been such a long and painful journey to parenthood for you and Jim. I don't understand it. It doesn't seem fair. The two of you are going to be wonderful parents...with the emphasis on ARE.

I can't begin to understand what it feels like to be in your shoes. It would be insulting for me to pretend I could. But there is NO DOUBT in my mind that "motherhood" is NOT decided by DNA. It is decided by the heart, by a wanting and a willingness to be there for your child...day in and day out, through the good and the bad, the highs and the lows...giving everything you have not knowing if, when all is said and done, your love and devotion will have been enough, but choosing to believe in your heart that it WILL BE for YOUR CHILD.

Seems to me that by that definition you and Jim are parents already...you've experienced day in and day out more of the bad and more of the lows than anyone would wish for you and you've held on with precious glimpses of the "good" -- BBs sweet face would be the best example --. You deserve much more of the good and I do believe we WILL see photographs on this blog of you and Jim with your children in your arms. And even if at that time there are others who STILL do not get it, your children certainly WILL. They will understand how very much they were wanted, how much they were loved long before you ever saw their faces or held them in your arms...You and Jim will be blessed beyond measure by your children, Cora. And they will be blessed beyond measure, knowing you. are. their. parents.

(((HUG)))

Aunt Karen said...

Cora,
I feel your pain, I've known since you were that little girl trying to feed Mickey your bottle that you wanted to be a mommy. Then your sisters were born and the mother instinct kicked into high gear. It has been a very long wait but I know in my heart your time is coming! Hang in there Munchkin soon you will have your own little munchkins to feed and love.
Love, aunt Karen

Christie said...

All I'm gonna say is...I know.

I really, really do.

It still feels like yesterday I was right where you are now, and I sincerely ached during that period of my life.

Now I'm drowning in diapers, and I don't mean that in a funny way. We all have to adjust at the stage we're at. I'm still learning that...

I want to say "hang in there", but I hated when people said that to me.

How about: xo

denise said...

Thanks for your honesty, Cora. I can't even tell you how much I admire your courage through all this.

AwesomeCloud and family said...

Your situation sounds very, very similar to mine. Our son came home 6 months ago. Hang in there! When it happens, you can spend the rest of your life saying, "The wait was SOOO hard!" I know I'll be saying that. But you can't help adding, "But it was so worth it!"

And don't listen to those other people. I hear it too; we all do. Just ignore them.

 

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