Complicated Feelings and Emotions

I don’t even know how to process what I am feeling sometimes and writing on this blog is helpful so please bear with me.  I thought about posting it on the private Burundi adoption blog but it really fits here and I think there will be others that probably identify with what I am saying. I do ask that if you decided to leave a comment please be kind and respectful to everyone.

I know that other people have their stories and I know they have the right to share those stories but sometimes when I read or hear about other people’s stories I really feel left out or lost. I thought I had processed my feelings about not giving birth to children and I thought I was OK with that but I have moments when I don’t feel OK. I have moments when I know I am not past it. I have moments when I angry and envious and sad. I don’t like those moments and I want to be bigger than that, I want to be past it and I work on that daily. I even have moments where I swear I will never read another mommy blog or participate in a “mommy” conversation again but I always do. I don’t regret my decision to stop infertility treatments and start the adoption process but I do wonder what if. What if we had traveled to a clinic in Seattle instead of an agency? What if I had gotten pregnant 10 years ago shortly after we started trying? Where would we be now and would I be one of the people that thought child birth was a rite of passage every woman must endure to be a woman?


I have very strong feelings that giving birth is not what makes you a mother and I have no concerns about being a mother to a child that was not born to me. However, I know there are people in the world and even perhaps a few friends and family that feel, birth is a very important part about being a mother. I am not going to change the minds of these people and I do not want to diminish their experiences but why I am put under a microscope and examined, yet thought to be less of a person or a parent or a woman because I have made the decision not to give birth. And yes I made the decision adoption is not the consequence of infertility it is a personal decision that we did not make lightly. Yes, it did come after infertility in our situation, but we chose not to pursue fertility treatment and we made the decision not to keep living our lives as a childless couple.

I won’t even go into defending our decision to adopt internationally, that we have to do on a constant basis. OK, I will just a little, does anyone ever question a stranger’s decision to give birth to a child? I guess I don’t know maybe it happens but I know I would never have the nerve to ask someone, so did you research and examine your life before choosing to have a child or was it just one too many glasses of wine one evening? I know this is just going to get worse after having our child home and I feel I am prepared for now. Perhaps over prepared at times and very under prepared at times.

When we were trying to get pregnant I read every book I could get my hands on about pregnancy, fertility and childbirth. I watched every television program I could find on the subject. I know way too much about the subject to have never been pregnant. But do you think that matters, nope, if you have not experienced it, your knowledge means nothing, especially to someone who has experienced it firsthand. I understand that but it still does not seem fair and at times cruel. When we started thinking of and considering adoption, I switched, I started reading everything I could get my hands on about adoption, personal stories, how to books, attachment books, I researched online, and watched An Adoption Story instead of A Baby Story. I don’t read much of that anymore, I guess I am just worn out by learning about something that I may never get to experience. I use the word frustrated a lot but it really only scratches the surface of my feelings about my journey to motherhood. As much as I try to write and express my feelings it will never come close to the intricate bundle that is my emotions in this situation.

We have always wanted a big family; I never thought it would be so hard or take so long to even get started. There are days when I want to give up there are days that I really wished things had happened “naturally” but there are also days that I am happy that we have gone through what we have. We would not be the people we are if we had not had these opportunities. I know it is complicated, life is complicated and if you don’t think so I have to question if you are living it.