Friday, May 21, 2010

Why?

Be prepared for a pity party, it's my blog and I can cry if I want to and today is one of those days.  I read blogs about every ones children and I just want to be there, be a mom.  I have wanted to be there for 10 years!! That is a lot of trying, does any one get that? I know my adoption agency doesn't. That is a lot of life to have been spent in the pursuit of one goal.  Every time I think we are close it seems to drift farther and farther away.  And no one that can make anything happen, has any sense of urgency.  So the Minister is not in one day, let's wait a week to go see her don't try again tomorrow that would be crazy

It came up in my review for work, you know "the make sure you have everyone prepared for your leave" part.  It has been in my review for the last 3 years.  I would really like it to not to be there any more, is that really too much to ask.  I am about ready to take all our adoption money to Seattle and dump it on a fertility doctors desk and say is that enough to get me a kid.  I know that sounds AWFUL and selfish but I am tired of doing this.  I am tired of imagining a child in my home that may never be there.  I am tired of excuses and wasting time.  Am I selfish? YES, I am sometimes selfish, it is just the truth and I am not always that way.

I know tomorrow I will probably have a different out look but today, is not that day.  Today, right now I am grumpy and mad and I want to quit.  Tomorrow I will probably be happy and fine and look at his pictures with joy. 

Most the time when I have bad days I just ignore them and move on but if this is a true journal of my life waiting, then I need to be honest and share a few of these bad days.  I suspect that I am not as alone as I sometimes feel.

13 comments:

C and G said...

and fridays . . . fridays are the worst. it means another week gone by and nothing productive has happened. having my own pitty party south of portland. i had big plans for the things that were supposed to happen on monday in burundi - but no - they had to postpone today's election until monday and close all the gov't offices for another day. just hoping that things stay peaceful . . .

A. Gillispie said...

So true--Fridays are ALWAYS the worse. Another wasted week has gone by. You're allowed to have a pity party! This is your first child and you have waited TEN YEARS!!! Continuing to pray for you. I check your blog so often hoping that I will see the long-awaited good news that you are officially a mommy. I still have faith that's going to happen. It will happen. But you're allowed to feel like crap until it does!

ccd said...

My heart goes out to you C & G and Cora. You guys have an agony of wait that I will not have to endure. One day closer does seem like a good motto. Blessings to you both.

Wendy said...

You have every right to be grumpy...so be grumpy. I hope tomorrow is a better day. ((hugs))

Kel said...

Am not in your position... I mean I am... no child, not a mum and dying to be one! But we havent started the process. In the UK it all works slightly differently... I mean I havent been through the long waiting that you have. I can't begin to imagine how you cope with it... But look on the positive.. you have a picture... that must mean something!!!

Okay I get it... you can't be positive today, so be positive tomorrow!!

Diana - FreeStyleMama said...

I think your feelings are completely real and go ahead and vent them. I wish I had a magic wand to wave and make it all happen NOW! (((HUGS)))

Michelle said...

You are NOT alone. There are many of us out there who are here for you and know exactly what you are feeling(although your agony is ten times worse than mine. You have a picture. That alone would make it unbearable for me).

Please know that I am thinking of you. I wish I could come over and pour you a very large drink. Hugs.

Kim said...

You can do and say anything you want... This wait is for the birds. .and it makes me sick but I try and deal with it the best I can..
hugs..
Love you big..

Amy said...

It's NOT awful. It's NOT selfish. And it's NOT fair...there, I said it. It's not. I don't get it. And I never will, this side of glory. You and Jim are going to be the MOST AMAZING parents...you just. need. the child. Your time has come. Please, God...Bring him (and her!) on!

With Love and Prayers Unending,
Ame

Christie said...

First, vent all you like. That's the point of having a forum like this, right? We can take it!

Second, I wish I could say that I can't imagine, but my four + year wait for Keira almost did me in, emotionally. (I know you walked that path with me) so all I can say to you on this is that end justifies the journey. Over and over again. No matter how many days. No matter how long. It truly does come full circle and you MUST hold on to that truth. That's the only way, girl...take it from me.

xo

La Dolce Vita said...

Thanks for visiting our blog. We have our daughter now, and referral, but I've been there, and totally get it. So sorry that you've had a rough time of it.

Alyson and Ford said...

Oh the wait is terrible (we were were just shy of being married 23 years when we finally went to China.... talk about waiting for a child!) and you do have many UPS and DOWNS. Do what is best for you to make it through the down times. We feel for you. So sorry. We will be there to rejoice with you when your time comes!

Alyzabeth's Mommy

Kelli said...

Unfortunately you're right, your agency doesn't get it. I am pretty sure (since you are doing Burndi too) that you are with my old agency...the sucky ones as I like to call them. Yes, I have no love for them, and they have no compassion for families. It's a sad and crappy situation and you are stuck in it and I am so so so sorry!!! :( the wait is horrid. And when people say "Oh just wait, as soon as you meet your child the wait will just FADE away", feel free to smack them. Or at least mentally smack them. That had to be the most annoying thing I heard during the wait. That and "Do all those things now that you won't have time for when your child comes home!" (insert cheery smile here). there is no way around it except "it's really crappy", and the only people who REALLY truly and completely get it are those people who are in your same general LID range. Because even though it sucked for those of us with a 3 year wait, it's sucked far worse for those families getting referrals this month who had a 4 year wait, and it's even worse for you who will have a longer wait. so for that I'm so sorry! sending big hugs, because that's about the best thing I can do.
One thing I used to do that helped (a really tiny big) was every month on my "log-in-versary" I would buy something for my future child. Most months it was a kids book or a pair of pants or a dress, but it was just something to say "hey this is really going to happen, sometime." and it felt kinda good to be able to do that.
Kelli

 

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