Be prepared for a pity party, it's my blog and I can cry if I want to and today is one of those days. I read blogs about every ones children and I just want to be there, be a mom. I have wanted to be there for 10 years!! That is a lot of trying, does any one get that? I know my adoption agency doesn't. That is a lot of life to have been spent in the pursuit of one goal. Every time I think we are close it seems to drift farther and farther away. And no one that can make anything happen, has any sense of urgency. So the Minister is not in one day, let's wait a week to go see her don't try again tomorrow that would be crazy
It came up in my review for work, you know "the make sure you have everyone prepared for your leave" part. It has been in my review for the last 3 years. I would really like it to not to be there any more, is that really too much to ask. I am about ready to take all our adoption money to Seattle and dump it on a fertility doctors desk and say is that enough to get me a kid. I know that sounds AWFUL and selfish but I am tired of doing this. I am tired of imagining a child in my home that may never be there. I am tired of excuses and wasting time. Am I selfish? YES, I am sometimes selfish, it is just the truth and I am not always that way.
I know tomorrow I will probably have a different out look but today, is not that day. Today, right now I am grumpy and mad and I want to quit. Tomorrow I will probably be happy and fine and look at his pictures with joy.
Most the time when I have bad days I just ignore them and move on but if this is a true journal of my life waiting, then I need to be honest and share a few of these bad days. I suspect that I am not as alone as I sometimes feel.
13 hours ago