Friday, March 16, 2012

Curing Infertility...Some People Have All The Answers.

You over hear conversations all the time in super markets, coffee shops and other public places.  Most of the time they are just background noise and sometimes they make you chuckle and sometime the just get under your skin.  This post is about the under the skin type.  I was getting a coffee the other day and the customer in front of me was having a conversation with the barista about a mutual friend of theirs.  They were not keeping their voices low so catching on to the whole conversation was unavoidable.  I am sure they thought they were doing nothing wrong, they were not holding up the line so no big deal, right?  Well it was the subject matter that really irked me and since I am too polite and/or don’t know how to make them aware of the issue, I decide to blog about it for everyone to read.

They were discussing in detail the efforts of a couple, that they both knew, to have a child.  If I had known this couple I am sure I could have easily identified them, but I did not.  At the end of the conversation detailing every step this couple had taken, of which I am sure they really have no idea what has happened, the barista made a comment that had me a more than a little perturbed.  She said “they just need to stop trying so hard and let go and let God and then it (pregnancy) will happen”  Ok I was more than perturbed, I kind of wanted  to smack have a nice LONG conversation with this girl about infertility.  Waiting and doing nothing and even prayer is not a cure for infertility, just like adoption is not a cure for infertility.  Do I have a beautiful child that I love more than anything in the world? Yes. Am I still infertile? Yes.  Would I change anything about our journey? No. Do I still feel the loss of infertility?  HELL YES!  There is no way that this girl knew anything about what her “friends” were going through and I hope she never truly knows but I hope someday she is able to sympathize and understand that trying too hard does not cause infertility.   
I don’t talk about religion on this blog for many reasons but I can tell you this, I completely believe in the power of prayer.  However, prayer does not always lead you in ways that you expect and talk like this only frustrates already frustrated couples that may need to seek for solutions down other paths.  When someone told us to just relax and it will happen it just made me more upset more frustrated and questioning my faith.  What did help and make me feel better where statements like this, “ I am sorry you are having a hard time”  “you can talk to me any time and I will just be here to listen and cry with you”  “there are many options and when you are ready, I would love to talk with you about them.”  

Now, we get the “what would you do if you got pregnant now?” statements (with accompanying looks of shock).  Which don’t upset me as much as the “just relax” statements but annoy me.  To which I normally answer “I guess after you get pregnant you typically have a baby human, right?  “I’m not sure I have never done it that way”, “we would be happy just like most other expecting couples” or “Chloe would love having a younger sibling” depending on my mood.  Infertility is not an easy card that was dealt to us in life and even if I got pregnant tomorrow we would have still lived through years of infertility. It is not an easy road and I know there are many people on it and I hope that they know that they are not alone. 

Back to the coffee shop, I will save you all from the “What is the definition of gossip” speech that I have all prepared for my employees.  I mean really, just because you think you are saying good things does not mean that you aren’t talking about personal matters of other people with others behind their backs in a public place.  Ok, you just got a little taste of that speech.  I am not perfect but I try to be sensitive to other’s feelings I know what it is like to be on one side of the fence and feel like everyone else has all the answers on the other side. 

Hope everyone has a good weekend.     I am headed to bed soon where I plan to say a little prayer for the anonymous couple with fertility problems.  

4 comments:

SpunkyBookworm said...

My cousins are adopted. Infertility is talked about much more than it used to be, but it's always been there.
I sometimes feel guilty for having a child that I didn't plan to keep, but so glad I did. However, I never tried to have another child, so I can't sympathize with your wanting another one. But know that I do pray for your family and love watching Chloe grow up. Jim was an awesome person in school, and it's fun to watch him be an awesome husband and father.
Thank you for your rant. It's important for us who don't understand to remember that we have no right to try to console you with our mouths flapping-just with our ears open, our shoulders to lean on, and our arms to hug.

Andrew and Heather Robinson said...

Amen, sister! My husband and I have walked the hard road of infertility for the last eight years. But we are walking the joyful soon-to-be-parents road as we wait for travel approval to go get our beloved Chinese girl (she's now 15 months). In the last eight years of hoping for a child, and three of them being the adoption process, people have said things that have either made me incredibly angry or incredibly sad. Very few people have empathized and simply said, "I'm so sorry." So thank you for sharing candidly, and for being sensitive, and for walking the courageous road of adoption knowing that it is beautiful and amazing. I can't wait to go get our daughter, to have a family, to be a mom!

denise said...

I'm sorry you had to overhear that conversation. People can be so ignorant and insensitive sometimes, especially when it comes to how you build your family. (As if it's anyone else's business!)

Occasionally, we get comments like, "Wouldn't it be fun if you got pregnant now?" Um, no. Did you miss the part about us adopting our son because another pregnancy would be too dangerous for me and the baby? We also get stupid adoption-related comments, and I bet you get those too. Stuff like, "You bought a really cute baby" or "You got a baby the easy way." To that last one, I want to respond: "Hey, I've done it both ways - and I had complications with my pregnancy and delivery - but adoption was still HARDER than giving birth!" People have no clue. Alright, now I'm ranting. This stuff strikes a nerve.

I'm going to pray for that couple today too.

Michelle said...

I had so much to say when I came here to comment but then when I got here I realize had tears but no words to convey how infertility has touched our lives. I wish people actually knew how much the words "you need to pray about it" sting for those of us who have done nothing but pray only to find the answer be "no". Maybe we just aren't good enough people to be blessed with a child. I don't know. All I know is that we live in a world where Snooki can have a baby and we can't. There is no explanation for that.

 

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