90 days

It has been 90 days since the referral of BB. I hope we are closer to him than we were 90 days ago but I wonder. I am still worried that something is going to happen and it will all fall apart. I am a worrier there is no getting around that. I have so many questions and NO answers. This is one of the most frustrating processes I have every been through and I hope that soon I will come out the other side. I wonder what this will look like from the other side. Will parenthood ever happen? We have tried so hard and done everything that we could.

I got asked the other day if I think it would have happened sooner if we went with domestic adoption. I don't know. I know last year I was trying so hard to make a domestic adoption work out and it fell apart in my arms. I struggle with the fact that I think there are people who think it is my fault. I think about that boy all the time and hope that his mother has found some peace and they are both happy, but I don't think I will ever know the truth of the situation.

I can't ask myself "what if's" because they will drive me crazy, there are so many paths that we could have chosen. We had to choose one and we have to have faith that we choose wisely. They were not choices that were made lightly. I sometimes get the feeling that there are people that think we just decided to adopt for the easy way. Those people obviously do not know what the process involves because if this is the easy way then I would like to see what they think the hard way is and then I would like to educate them. Maybe I could get a little viewfinder like the alien on Lilo and Stitch. I would hand it to them and say "Here, Educate yourself!"

Someday we will be a family of more than 2. I just wish I was in control of knowing when. Have I evermentioned that I am bossy and like to control things? Well that will have to be another post, another time.