Thursday, April 22, 2010

33


So today is the day that I cross over to being closer to 35 than 30... ugg. Birthday's have never really bothered me in the past but this year is different.  I was the happiest person ever to turn 30 because it meant our dossier could be logged in China and we could begin the wait for our daughter, little did I know that 3 years later we would still be several years away.  I wonder what that birthday would have been like if I had only known what the next 3 years were going to bring.  I know my life revolves around becoming a parent and I have tried not to dwell on it and find other things but I always come back to that.  Last year I really thought that I would be holding my child on this birthday and I have no idea when or if that is ever going to happen.

There is a cross road in the near future of this No Ordinary Family and we have to decide which direction to take and it scares the crap out of me.  I fear making the wrong choice, more than I fear spiders.  Ask any one of my family, I have an extreme irrational fear of spiders but that is a blog post for another day.  I have felt several times that have made too many wrong choices and I can't afford any more.  For a while I wondered what our life would look like if we decided not to have children at all.  I had to wonder if that was the message that I should be seeing.  With the luck that we have had I am sure anyone would have thought that way.  But then I started seeing other things that said "you have options"  some options that I thought were closed and the doors seemed to open up a crack.  But do I go down that dark alley and brave a different type of uncertianty?  I wish I knew all the answers, or hell, I would settle for some of them.


So here I sit 33 years old confused about family planning, fertility, adoption, children and just life in general.  A non-mom living in a mommy centered world, a little scared about what is to come and pretty worried about making it through to the other side not knowing what is on the other side.  I have to wonder when life became so complicated.  I used to hate when people answered questions with "it's complicated"  I didn't get it but boy do I get it now because my life all of a sudden got complicated.  I am looking forward to the year to come but this year more than any other before I must say that I have no idea where I am going in this life.

New year, new outlook, new hair style, new directions, Bring It On!

13 comments:

Kim said...

Happy Birthday my friend.. You will have your babies soon..
LOVE THAT HAIR..
you look AMAZING>.
Have a wonderful day..
Love you tooooo pieces..

Grandma L said...

I love your hair too. It's a new you. Have a very Happy Happy Birthday !!!

Kayce said...

Happy Birthday Cora! I pray that this year is filled with answers for you. You're in my thoughts.

denise said...

So far, 33 has been a good year for me. I hope it will be for you too.

I understand the whole fear-of making-the-wrong-decision thing. Ick. I'm praying for you that you'll have wisdom as you consider these new options.

And I'm loving your hair. Seriously, you look so beautiful!!

Kel said...

Happy Birthday!!!! Have a wonderful day and feel positive today!! xxxx

Alyson and Ford said...

Happy Birthday! You look great! Children are in your future.... the Bible tells us to take care of them in many ways. I was 50 while in China adopting AA; you can do it; there are precious children that you will love and they need to love you. They need you; keep finding those doors to open.

Alyzabeth's Mommy

Michelle said...

I can so relate to everything you just wrote. I too wonder if all signs point to the fact that we shouldn't have kids. It is complicated but I have Faith that it will work itself out.

P.S. I don't think I ever got around to getting over here and commenting about your hair. I LOVE it!

Happy Birthday!

Kelly and Todd said...

Cora --

Have a wonderful birthday. I wish you a year filled with answers and peace. Hang in there your time will come. I LOVE your new hair style - what fun. I wish I had hair that would do something besides just curl and friz. You look FABULOUS!

Wishing you a super great year!

-- kelly :-)

Aunt Karen said...

Cora,
Happy Birthday!!!! 33, it is your year, double digits are your numbers.

Kelly said...

Sorry I am late with this - hope you had a great birthday!

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

I am only now getting around to saying hi to those who started following our blog since we got our Shauna... thank you for following... though I don't get to update as much as I want but try...
Life is different that is for sure... as for being 33... don't sweat it... I am 41 this year... and the fun has really just begun :) You are as old as you feel... take care and don't be a stranger...

 

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