So today is the day that I cross over to being closer to 35 than 30... ugg. Birthday's have never really bothered me in the past but this year is different. I was the happiest person ever to turn 30 because it meant our dossier could be logged in China and we could begin the wait for our daughter, little did I know that 3 years later we would still be several years away. I wonder what that birthday would have been like if I had only known what the next 3 years were going to bring. I know my life revolves around becoming a parent and I have tried not to dwell on it and find other things but I always come back to that. Last year I really thought that I would be holding my child on this birthday and I have no idea when or if that is ever going to happen.
There is a cross road in the near future of this No Ordinary Family and we have to decide which direction to take and it scares the crap out of me. I fear making the wrong choice, more than I fear spiders. Ask any one of my family, I have an extreme irrational fear of spiders but that is a blog post for another day. I have felt several times that have made too many wrong choices and I can't afford any more. For a while I wondered what our life would look like if we decided not to have children at all. I had to wonder if that was the message that I should be seeing. With the luck that we have had I am sure anyone would have thought that way. But then I started seeing other things that said "you have options" some options that I thought were closed and the doors seemed to open up a crack. But do I go down that dark alley and brave a different type of uncertianty? I wish I knew all the answers, or hell, I would settle for some of them.
So here I sit 33 years old confused about family planning, fertility, adoption, children and just life in general. A non-mom living in a mommy centered world, a little scared about what is to come and pretty worried about making it through to the other side not knowing what is on the other side. I have to wonder when life became so complicated. I used to hate when people answered questions with "it's complicated" I didn't get it but boy do I get it now because my life all of a sudden got complicated. I am looking forward to the year to come but this year more than any other before I must say that I have no idea where I am going in this life.
New year, new outlook, new hair style, new directions, Bring It On!