33

So today is the day that I cross over to being closer to 35 than 30... ugg. Birthday's have never really bothered me in the past but this year is different.  I was the happiest person ever to turn 30 because it meant our dossier could be logged in China and we could begin the wait for our daughter, little did I know that 3 years later we would still be several years away.  I wonder what that birthday would have been like if I had only known what the next 3 years were going to bring.  I know my life revolves around becoming a parent and I have tried not to dwell on it and find other things but I always come back to that.  Last year I really thought that I would be holding my child on this birthday and I have no idea when or if that is ever going to happen.

There is a cross road in the near future of this No Ordinary Family and we have to decide which direction to take and it scares the crap out of me.  I fear making the wrong choice, more than I fear spiders.  Ask any one of my family, I have an extreme irrational fear of spiders but that is a blog post for another day.  I have felt several times that have made too many wrong choices and I can't afford any more.  For a while I wondered what our life would look like if we decided not to have children at all.  I had to wonder if that was the message that I should be seeing.  With the luck that we have had I am sure anyone would have thought that way.  But then I started seeing other things that said "you have options"  some options that I thought were closed and the doors seemed to open up a crack.  But do I go down that dark alley and brave a different type of uncertianty?  I wish I knew all the answers, or hell, I would settle for some of them.

So here I sit 33 years old confused about family planning, fertility, adoption, children and just life in general.  A non-mom living in a mommy centered world, a little scared about what is to come and pretty worried about making it through to the other side not knowing what is on the other side.  I have to wonder when life became so complicated.  I used to hate when people answered questions with "it's complicated"  I didn't get it but boy do I get it now because my life all of a sudden got complicated.  I am looking forward to the year to come but this year more than any other before I must say that I have no idea where I am going in this life.

New year, new outlook, new hair style, new directions, Bring It On!